Thursday, April 1, 2010

Male Celebrities That I Want To Slap Upside The Head: (Top Five)

1. Jesse James. Isn't it enough that he is named after an outlaw (who he is actually related to)? This motorcycle czar has screwed up big time. I can see why an idiot like Jesse would dig a chick like Michelle "Bombed-Out" McGee - if her conversation gets boring, he can catch up on his reading by simply perusing her tattoos, including the one stamped on her forehead that reads "Pray For Us Sinners." And another thing... Sandra Bullock is not a victim of the "Oscar Curse" that apparently plagued Halle Berry and Sean Penn, among others (apparently, once you win, your marriage goes in the dumps). I think she's more a victim of the "I Married a Dumbass Who Cheated On Me With A Very Low-Class Woman And I Will Never Sleep With Him Again Because I'm 100% Sure He Now Has The Clap Curse."

2. Jon Gosselin. Jon topped my list until Jesse James came out with his antics last week. This Ed Hardy-wearing, super-reproductive guy just needs to go away. And by away, I mean into space. Or maybe the middle of the Sahara desert. I know Kate was a lot to deal with, but you would be too if you popped out 18 children and had to constantly pull your husband away from his Ed Hardy Ebay Habit. And really, stealing $175,000 from the woman raising your children is worse than skipping out on a few months of child support. You know things are bad when the designer of the douchiest clothing line in America drops you and hires Lindsay Lohan instead. True story, look it up.

3. Tiger Woods. No one in their right mind would cheat on their wife. Tiger took it one step further, however, and cheated on his beautiful Swedish swimsuit model (and mother of his two children) with over 10 girls, none of which are of Elin's caliber. I have said so much about this over the last few months, I simply don't have anything more in me. Suffice to say, I would very much like to slap him upside the head. At least Elin is wearing a "chastity belt made of iron" (her words), because let's face it. He just might have something she doesn't want for Christmas. And I'm not talking about a gaudy piece of jewelry.

4. Spencer Pratt. He's going off the deep end. Now that he is public with his love for crystals, he wants to learn how to meditate. I'm on board with this. Maybe he will focus on his career post-Hills. Or maybe he will focus on how to deal with his wife's new weird body. Or maybe he'll finally make the important decision he was struggling with last season - to vasectomy or not to vasectomy? Can we petition this? Take it to Congress? Please don't let these two procreate.

5. Chris Brown. Let's face it. Anyone who beats up on a girl deserves more than a slap upside the head. But he took it one step further recently, by attending Jean Paul Gaultier's show, which featured models covered in fake blood and bruises. He was cheesing it up in a picture next to the designer, who was also sporting this look. If I were a celebrity rapper who beat up my girlfriend and was trying to clean up my image, I would not be all smiles next to a designer covered in fake blood and bruises. He needs to consult with Charlie Sheen on this one. He's an expert on beating up the ladies in his life and coming out smelling like roses on the other side.

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