Monday, February 21, 2011

When His Hermes Handbag Trumps My Louis Vuitton... We Have a Problem

I spotted him as soon as I got in the airport security line. He was tall, thin (but not too thin… fit), with dark hair and good skin. He was impeccably dressed, from the Ferragamo shoes to the Versace eyeglasses. His suit was expensive, but not so expensive that he appeared to be trying too hard. I noticed his amazing Hermes leather satchel and turned to him. “Great bag,” I said, nonchalantly. In a voice higher-pitched than Jack from Will & Grace, he squealed, “Oh THANK YOU! So much.” He might as well have added a heel kick and an “OMG!” to the end of that sentence.

I’m surrounded by girly men.

Are straight men ever this stylish? Follow-up question: are said straight stylish men ever low-maintenance? Ahhh, that’s the ticket right there.

I’ve dated this guy before… the questionably straight girly man who dresses better than me, has more hair products than I do, and gets more facials than anyone I know. This man is one in a plentiful breed. Let’s explore the characteristics of this ever-growing population.

They take forever to get ready. They iron every item of clothing, including jeans they are about to wear to the grocery store. Their home is decorated almost as nicely as mine (almost). They don’t know how to fix anything around the house. They cook over-the-top meals that take many hours and about 30 ingredients. They know when my eye shadow is different. They have polished shoes. They have softer hands than I do.

I’m not saying any of these are bad things. It’s the combination of everything that makes it hard to date this guy. I can’t tell you how many times I sat in the living room, ready to go, while Girly Man was putting more stuff in his hair or looking for the right watch to match with his outfit. Now I know how guys feel when the girl isn’t ready when they get there to pick them up. Annoyed.

I love a sharp-dressed man. But is it too much to ask for that sharp dressing to be easy and effortless? And what about a low-key beauty routine? What happened to a man taking a shower, and smelling like soap? A little smell-good cologne isn’t bad, as long as I’m not searching for the gas mask when we get in the car. C’mon guys! Get it together.

I like to be the girl in the relationship, who holds the cards on knowing which night cream is best, and whether to use body scrub once a week or more frequently. It’s just my old fashioned nature I guess. Not a fan of the guy knowing more about this than me.

So are there any men out there who are impeccably dressed AND somewhat mountain man-ish? Is this possible? My experience is from one extreme to the next, so a middle ground sure would be nice. Obviously I am willing to compromise, but after dating Girly Man, I have declared my unwillingness to date a man more girly than myself.

Please follow me on twitter: @danaseals

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Twisted Sisters

I’m in a book club. One with great girls, delicious food, wine and dessert, and fantastic book choices. Here’s how it goes down at my book club: Each month, someone chooses a book. We all read the book, then meet every six weeks to talk about the book. Except we never talk about it. We talk about everything from vampires to babies to baby vampires to gossip to Gossip Girl to girls being cooler than boys. You name it, we talk about it. But the actual book?

No, we don’t usually get into that. Until last night.

This month, the ultra cool Punky-Brewster look-alike, Lacey, chose Under the Banner of Heaven: A Story of Violent Faith by John Krakauer. This book delves into the world of a branch-out sect of a certain denomination. Without going into a religious commentary, I will say that I am just not on board with these extreme fundamentalists. I’m serious, they believe in some batshit crazy things. A large component of their belief is that men are allowed to marry whoever they feel like marrying (including step-daughters and nieces), and marry as many of them as they want.

Hold up.

Pump the brakes.

As one of my book club gals put it, her husband made a comment to the tune of “I can barely handle you and the baby AND my job. Throw in more wives and more babies? No thanks.” Agreed. However, I can see why these guys want so many wives, because they are only allowed to sleep with a woman if she is in ovulation. Well, if you have tons of women in the pipeline, you don’t have to wait too long before your next sexy time. I mean, I get it. If you're a sex-craved maniac who likes to control women.

Plus, they don’t have to pay too much money for these other wives because technically they are not married, so technically they are single moms (of a billion kids), so they get a bunch of government assistance from tax dollars, such as food stamps. In light of this information, I’d like to give a shout-out to all the crazy plural wives out there: “You’re welcome.”

The men in the book all had so much in common: they are controlling, egotistical, and looking out for No. 1. Basically, they exhibit all of the personality traits that I can’t stand.

I haven’t seen the reality show Sister Wives, because I live in 1975 and do not have cable television. But we talked about this at length last night. These women (picture on left with Mr. Main Man in the center) claim to be 100% fine with their husband sleeping with the other women. Ummm, no you aren’t. I’ll go on the record right now and say that there is not one woman out there who is perfectly fine with her husband sleeping with another woman. Don’t tell me they don’t want to bitch slap each other on a daily basis.

It is "how they were raised," "God says it’s okay"… this is how they justify it. I just can’t wrap my brain around this concept.

I am not generally a jealous person. But I would be bold-faced lying if I told you that I don’t feel a twinge of some kind of jealousy if an ex-girlfriend calls or if he is chatty kathy with some girls while we are out. I think that is pretty natural to feel that way. But I am skilled at rationalizing what is cause for concern and what is not worth the emotional drain and the potential argument.

I have known some people who were insanely jealous, all the time. I always feel sorry for these people, because they are severely missing out on a happy, cool life if all they think about is what this other person is doing. Until it turns into “who” they are doing, just calm down. Give somebody the benefit of the doubt and see what happens.

If any of you jealous nellies out there read this and heed my advice, I may have just saved you a lot of stress.

Unless, of course, you are a plural wife. In which case, you probably aren’t reading this, except for the rare instance that your controlling husband is letting you read a blog about dating and relationships. The same blog that regularly tells you to grow a pair and take control of yourself and your happiness. Yeah, I didn’t think so.
(Although slow in a few places (because it goes deep into the history of the religion... zzzzz....), Under the Banner of Heaven was a very interesting book. Check it out here.)

Monday, February 14, 2011

Would You Like a Gin and Platonic, or a Scotch and Sofa?

So you’re out with your friends, looking all amazing and having a great time. You spot a good prospect over at the bar, so you try hard to look cool and not like the total stalker that you are, sneaking glances over in their direction. You tell your friends about this person, and then are mortified when they ALL look over at once.

Girls might do a little hair flip. Guys might do the smoldering stare. If there is any mutual hair flipping/smoldering staring going on, somebody will make a move. It’s like playing chess. So here you are, standing right in front of each other.

Now comes the pickup line...

Such a crucial time – this first impression pickup line situation. It can be funny and sexy, or it can fall flatter than Amy Winehouse on a sidewalk. I have heard some hilarious, great pickup lines and I have heard some that made me want to throw up in my mouth a little bit. The success rate is usually pretty low if you go for gimmicky, however. I don’t care how much swagger you have walking up to me. If you throw out something ridiculous, I’m not picking up what you’re putting down.

Back in college, I was at a bar with some girlfriends. This cowboy sauntered up to me and licked my shirt sleeve. He literally rendered me speechless. Then he put his arm around me and said “C’mon sugar. Let’s get you home and out of those wet clothes.” That one didn’t work.

One time, back in Alabama, I was at a Waffle House (I know…sexy) with some girls and a much older guy leaned over to my friend Michelle and said “You look so good, I want to put you on a plate and sop you up with a biscuit.” That one didn’t work either.

I overheard this one a few years back: “You be the tree, and I’ll wrap you like a Koala.” Kind of cute, but more oogie than cute.

I also got this one recently: “Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only ten I see around here.” Clever, but clearly he didn’t know of my disdain for the Tennessee Vols. Regardless, I just wasn’t interested.

I polled my friends and here are the best pickup lines they have ever heard:
(Note: These are real life, real talk, non-fiction.)

(At the gym, flexing his bicep) “Are you a pediatrician? Because these babies are SICK!” –Angela

I was walking through Wal-Mart last July 3rd, and I had a halter top on. I had so many mosquito bites, and I was scratching my shoulder. A gross older guy walked by and asked if he could “help me with my itch”. Freaked out, I was truly speechless and for some reason on instinct my answer came out yes, thank you. I quickly corrected it, and 5 minutes later he found me on a different isle asking “Can we start from scratch?” –Tiffany

(On a college campus) “Damn, you look so educated.” –Katie

“Can you buy me a beer?” from an obviously underage girl. –Jared

“Wanna get some Nachos and F***?” –Amanda

“Hey gurl. I want to feed chu. Whatcha name is?” –Natalie

“Spend the night with me and I will help you with the restraining order in the morning.” –Wally

“Honey, is your daddy a thief? He must have stolen the stars and put them in your eyes” –Sarah

‎”Hi. What have you got to lose?” –Jonathan

“Hi. You’re my type.” –Mack (they’ve been together ever since)

“Would you like to test drive my car?” –Mandi (now married to this guy)

My favorite:
“Hey, could you loan me a dollar for a beer?” I made him sign a note that he would pay me back $1.25. He did, and 3 years later we got married. –Karen

One of my girlfriends' buddies reads my blog religiously (thank you!). He said that he reads my stuff for a girl’s perspective, to get advice. So here you go: this is what works. Walk up to them confidently (not cocky – there is a difference) and say “Hey, what’s up? I’m (insert your name here).”

That’s all you have to do. Really.